I have had people ask me for money to pay for their school. I have people ask for food. I have people ask for clean water. For me to take their child.
Usually, I don't have what they are asking for. I don't have enough money to pay for my own education, let alone for someone else. I have no means to provide for a sick family. I do not, for goodness' sakes, have room for a child.
I want to help people. I want to provide for people in ways they cannot. I want to give what I have. Generosity is one thing I always admire in others, because it is something that does not come as a natural talent for me. I know I don't give everything I have.
This week I have met a man who sponsors 8 kids here. 3 of them are in university. He pays for their education. He is incredible, fierce, and a force to be reckoned with. But he's someone I want to help do work in Haiti. So I will gladly put up with his constant requests, because he does so much for other people.
Another man paid for the extra $40 dollars on the meal after the price was changed, some mistakes were made, and a women refused to pay a full meal's price for her rice and beans.
He later approached me and told me how ashamed he was of the people he was with. He said "None of us are in poverty. I am so embarrassed."
I don't know what to do with these situations. But today I sat with Emmanuella, Clara, Rose Berline, Ludiana, Ludmina, Roberto, Esther, Christella, Widler, Christopher, and so many other precious favorites. I just want to offer them the world. These kids, they are just incredible. They have such a joy, such a life in their eyes. They know so much pain, so much brokenness, and their eyes hold more life than most people I meet. What a blessing to be able to draw from that, to laugh and play and joke and hug these bundles, living alongside them in their zeal.
It isn't so with a lot of kids here. They cry if someone else gets in your lap. They won't let go of your neck when you try to set them down. They follow you out as you leave, asking to come. They hold desperation. Desperation for love. Desperation for comfort. How hard it is to put them down, to say goodbye, to want to take them with me and unable to do so. To watch little hearts breaking because they are, once again, left behind.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
keep picking them up, keep hugging them, keep loving them.
ReplyDeleteand pray to god someone else sees the light and will do the same.
that's it. that's all you can do, dear friend.
you do exactly what you are doing. You love like you've got enough to keep going. Then you love some more. I am so jealous that you are back in that country. we are praying for you~~
ReplyDeletei don't know if i could do it. i think it would break me. which is entirely selfish of me to say, because obviously there are people who are 'breaking' far more than i ever will probably have to.
ReplyDeleteand maybe we all need to be broken.
but just know that i admire and respect and support you and all that you stand for. and, even if you can't 'fix' everything that's going on there, you're still in the right place. you're still a beacon of light. and you're still moving mountains, even if it's centimeters at a time. (cheesy last analogy?)
god does not waste anything.