Aug 28, 2008

a beggar's heart

Tonight marks the end. Tomorrow marks the beginning. The new freshman move in. My hall is ready (sort of), my room is clean, I have a new chair, I have 10 new faces to meet tomorrow.

Monday begins a new realm of school. I am looking at 17 credits, RA in a first-year dorm, a second job, homecoming committee(!??!). Someone asked me "when will you have fun?"

I don't know the answer.

I know that I will be empty. I know that I will be tired, burnt out, worn out, potentially unhappy, potentially failing. I will have a choice: between being those things or embracing the end of myself.

I was just struck with the idea that this could be a blessing. A lesson in giving up everything and saying help. I can't make it through this life with sanity, joy, and peace on my own.

Never underestimate my Jesus. Never lack in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Jesus help me.

Aug 11, 2008

A Cynical Rant

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4

Fact: I dislike the use of this verse in most situations - because it too often turns into us trying to delight in the Lord in order to receive the desires of our heart. Should we not be delighting in the Lord's ability to change our heart? Should we not be seeking to give ourselves fully over to Him so our desires become for Him and His plan and His purpose?

In short, to my friends of the female persuasion, please do not use this verse in reference to your desire for a husband...assuming that God will give a fairytale because you "delight" in Him.

Because, really, anything we desire that is short of the Lord will fail to satisfy.

Note - this is not directed at anyone in particular. In fact, I was simply sitting and reading blogs and thinking about how God has changed my heart...and how I used to focus on delighting in the Lord so that I would get what I wanted. So really...the husband thing is a little much. But, you have to admit, that thought has crossed your mind at some point or another!

Aug 5, 2008

He makes all things good

Even when I screw it all up.

I've wasted time. I've focused on myself, rather than Him. I've made excuses to make myself feel better.

"We don't like the sight of ourselves as we really are...we rely on the stylish disguise that makes us look good or at least look away from our true self. Self-deception mortgages our sinfulness and prevents us from seeing ourselves as we really are - ragamuffins." (Brennan Manning)

Probably one of the hardest lessons of the summer is that I like to disguise who I am too much. It's a lot easier to pretend I am doing well than to acknowledge openly that I don't have it all together.

Funny thing though - it feels a whole lot better when you honestly accept who God has made you to be.

So in view of His mercies, offer your bodies as living sacrifices. Let go of your pride, your disguise, lose yourself, be a ragamuffin, and follow Him into the unknown.