Profile Picture Pride

When you go to another country on a mission trip, you inevitably put a picture of you and one of the kids you met as your profile picture. Come on now people, you've done it, haven't you? I have!

Part of it is probably the fact that you liked the kid. He or she was cute, and maybe spoke a different language in the most adorable little kid voice. You couldn't help but cuddle them and fall in love.

Another part of it is because it's trendy. It's hip. It's cool to put your picture up with an orphan from another country. I mean, look at me! I went to Haiti and cuddled this adorable child. Go look at the rest of my pictures. I am so cool, right?

Am I just cynical, or am I right? A little bit right?

I'm right in my own circumstance. I mean, I want you to look at this picture of me and Roberto and think "That's adorable. How cool. I wonder what her other pictures are like."

That's icky isn't it?

Not the picture, because Roberto reminds me of this kid. I mean, what isn't adorable about that?

But it's icky because it's another example of how we seek approval and applause through our actions. We live in a works-based world. You are successful if you make more money, go to college, have the dream job, own your own home, have the pool in the back and the Escalade out front.

Or even if your successful world doesn't hold a pool or an Escalade (two things I could do without, seeing as how I hate swimming and Escalades), success comes through the envy and approval of others.

And I don't know anyone who would say cuddling cute orphans isn't good or worthy of applause.

Just another way my pride jumped out at me today. It makes me feel slimy and no good.

"I see the Castle Rock"

What the Lord made abundantly clear to me today, courtesy of a long, slow drive from Denver to Colorado Springs in a somewhat sketchy stretch of icy road.

My best services are rags, and my best deeds are filthy.

Oh Blessed Jesus, may we find a covert in Thy wounds.

Though our sins they rise to meet us, may they fall next to the merits of You.

(A Prayer for the Brokenhearted)

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace.

Through every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, and blood, support me in the whelming flood.

Though every earthly prop give way, He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound, oh then may I in Him be found.

Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand.

(Solid Rock)

As I move to Haiti in just a few short months, I find myself clinging more to this promise, that the only constant in my life, and the only thing I can depend upon to maintain is Christ.

And He is the purpose, He is the center, He is the reason. I have nothing to offer, whether as a nurse in Haiti or a nurse in Colorado or a student. I have nothing to merit myself. I have watched the things of this world break apart and destroy people I love. And the solid rock is His righteousness, His ability to right the wrong. And He will.

Because the Lord who has called you and I is faithful, and He will surely do it.

NCLEX

In two months - eight weeks - it will be time for me to take my boards. My NCLEX. My "Hey License Me To Be A Nurse" test.

As I sit down and read through chapters of old textbooks and run questions, I find I get overwhelmed. I read a question about contraceptives, and I think to myself "I remember in lab when we talked about this that one day for one hour a year and a half ago. I remember a diaphragm and a depo shot...but how long do they last?"

Or what about Digitalis. I know there is something about it that creates a toxicity very easily. I don't remember what that looks like, or how you treat it, or even what you use Digitalis for specifically. I know it's a medication for something with your heart!

The NCLEX. What they have been preparing us for since January of 2008. Anywhere from 75 to 265 questions, depending on how well or poorly you answer. A 6 hour time limit. Just you and the computer, battling it out, the culmination of all those years in school, hours of studying, thousands of dollars, hinging on one test that could be over in an hour.

So...back to it. Two months, thousands of questions to run, and me, forever a stalling ISFP. A recipe for success or disaster?

I'll let you know.

between the lines

Two very different lives. I live in the middle of two very different lives.

As I drove through the city tonight, looking at the lights, passing the landmarks in the significant events of my life, I feel somewhat aged.

But most of all, I feel the freedom of my life. I feel my tendency to live somewhat removed from others; it's easier and safer, after all. I drive and watch and sing and get wrapped in the memories of days past. A still ache lies internally, wondering if I will ever get back to those days, the safety and security of those days. I think about it, about the freedom, and about the pain. I have caused a lot of pain; I have burnt bridges. I wonder if I learned from it yet.

My days are filled with some of the most dear friends imaginable. They are filled with a community of believers who have radically altered the way I have seen the world. They are filled with living paycheck to paycheck and off my spare change jar. They are filled with small sorts of adventures and filled with time alone. They hold breakfasts out with friends, nighttime talks with roommates, laughs from the nephews.

Yet somewhere, growing more each day, somewhere in me there is the seed: the reminder of my other life. It continues on in the south. I update myself daily. I remember the evening storms and lights across the water. I remember hugs and holding small hands. I remember the smells and the quiet. I remember the feeling of being there. The physical heat that consumed, the relief of a cold trickle of water and fan, the grit of dirt under your feet and all over your belongings. The smell of sweat and bug spray and ocean and thick air. Only the sound of the fan, some nights mixed with voices, singing or laughing.

But I mostly remember the comfort in being there. The strange semblance of peace that resides heavily over the place, as thick as the air and as heavy as the brokenness.

I live between the two lives. I'm not sure I will ever escape it, nor that I will ever fully want to.

a fork in the road

As they were going along the road,

someone said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."

And Jesus said to him,

"Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests,

but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head."

To another He said, "Follow me."

But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father."

And Jesus said to him,

"Leave the dead to bury their own dead.

But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Yet another said,

"I will follow, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home."

Jesus said to him,

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."

(Luke 9:57-62)

I think too often reading this passage my mind wanders to the radical call on our lives to follow Christ in terms of physical calling. Too often I see this as "Stay close to your family, or go somewhere foreign." But that isn't what God has brought us to. The decision, the radical call, is to follow Jesus or not. To count Him and His work above all else, and to be willing to turn away from anything in order to do what He has put in your path.

Precisely a week ago I came to a fork in the road. I got an e-mail Saturday night with an opportunity. The road I have been walking has headed west (to the promised land! Not really, but seriously).

The fork has headed south, physically speaking.

And in beginning to consider the choice, the different roads, I came to see that there was not a right and wrong. There is good in both roads. There is suffering and pain in both roads. And in both roads there is God.

I believe that God gives us choices sometimes. Sometimes there is a right or wrong. Sometimes there isn't. I don't think He has one road better than the other. Because each road is something physical in this world. But what really matters is the heart.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and He will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Am I choosing Him over all else? Am I following what He has set in front of me? Am I acknowledging Him above all? If I am, isn't He promising to make my paths straight? Isn't He promising to never leave or forsake? Isn't He promising that no eye has seen and no ear has heard of the things He has in store for those who love Him?

I believe He is.

So I made a choice. I made a decision to go down one path. I have mourned the loss of the good from the other path. I have mourned and feared the suffering and pain that is to come. But above all I have been reminded that "whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." (Philippians 3:7-8)

I believe and trust in a God who holds my days in His palm. He holds the days of my family members and friends in His palm. And He loves us and holds good for us. And I can rest and trust that.

And I don't have to be afraid of where this path will take me. Either path I chose, I was asked to make a daily choice to follow Jesus. That is what He required of His disciples, and that is what He requires of us now.

I have struggled with fear that I would make a wrong decision, that perhaps there really is a right and wrong in this fork. But I continue on in knowing that I need only acknowledge God each day, and I cannot go or do wrong.

So now, let us pray this each day in hopes that it will become our mindset.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself.

And the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.

I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore, will I trust you always though I may seem lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear for you are ever with me.

And you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

-Thomas Merton*

Amen.

*Many thanks to my dad for sending this to and praying this over me.

KUDL inspiration

I know, I know, I already blogged today. I can't have anything that crucial to blog at the moment. Except if I don't capitalize on this creative energy now, it will be a thought lost in my mind, and you will never know it. Convincing, right? Eh...I know. Bear with me.

I have a job. As a part of that job, I wash dishes. A lot of dishes for hours on end some days. I have time doing dishes to think about things, while the radio plays in the background. Today's station: 98.1 KUDL...continuous soft rock. Playing all things Gloria Estefan, Celine Dion, David Archuleta, and Colbie Caillat. Great, right?

It is so terrible it is wonderful...anything helps doing hours of dishes.

That is, until this song comes on.

I am not sure any man gives me the creeps more than this man. Well, Jack Nicholson and some choice regulars at work come close, but seriously M.N., do not talk about lips and hips and drowning you in love. It freaks me out, and you gross me out. Stop it now.

Thankfully, immediately following the aforementioned song came the song of all songs. One of my dreams in life is to be able to sing this just like Kelly. Oh K.C., how you soothe my soul.

Then Delilah comes on. And in comes a call for a request:

D: "Tell me about this special someone."

W: "My husband is amazing...etc."

D: "What song can we play for him?"

W: "I don't know the name of it, but it talks about being someone's hero. I cry EVERY time I hear it."

And so, with this I end my 8.5 hour work shift. Ah, sweet goodbyes.

season 6

There is nothing like being within dollars of running out of money in your bank account to make you budget and balance your checkbook like a mad woman. Seriously, it has become a thing of beauty. And I scraped it together, pooled my pennies to pay the credit card bill and gas bill and rent. And my car is fixed and back in all of his glory.

And I tithed this last week for the first time in a long time. I am rather ashamed at my lack of trust. I always knew I would have enough money to make it; I always do. There is always just enough. And yet I withheld for fear of running out?

In other news, I woke up this morning before 8 and promptly checked to see if Lost was online yet. BOOYAH ABC. Best morning surprise. OH MY GOSH SEASON PREMIERE YOU ARE EXCELLENT.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord,

because he judged me faithful,

appointing me to his service,

though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent.

But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief,

and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me

with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance,

that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners,

of whom I am the foremost.

But I received mercy for this reason,

that in me, as the foremost,

Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience

as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

To the King of ages,

immortal, invisible, the only God,

be honor and glory forever and ever.

(1 Timothy 1:12-17)

Good news to continue throughout the day and week and season.