I didn't realize that the things I saw this summer were going to leave me torn apart. I am doubting good, doubting God in some senses. But mostly, I am grieving. Yet most of what I grieve over cannot be written here. Some things are meant to be given to the world; some are meant to shared with those who need to hear them. Much of what was seen and felt and heard and experienced is left to be continually lifted up - because this is too much of a burden for a mere human.
I have this ever-present need to get away. I think that time in creation is healing. So I drove to Colorado and felt a little reprieve. Yet the need is still there; there is still healing left for me. And I can hope in that.
And I can hope in a God who has not forsaken me, nor the world, despite what things may appear on the surface.
Expose the doubt and dark in your heart, and there is peace to be found to fill the places that are left.
Hope is there.
amen to this.
ReplyDeletei'm going through a fair amount of heart work myself and sarah, i totally agree with you. treatment, in the medical sense, is not the way to make a recovery. the word 'treatment', for me, just doesn't capture all the pain that goes on inside of us when transformation takes place. to me, it feels like going through physical therapy. a long, slow, and painful process.
i think and hope this is what you were meaning.
this is really fascinating, how similarly we're experiencing life right now. i've been trying to wrestle through a feeling of restlessness in where i'm at. my physical bodily location and my heart's location are so far apart. i go one place, for me - manhattan, and i feel better for a bit, but then the restlessness returns a couple days later.
i don't know about you but i'm still trying to figure out if i'm 'getting away' cuz i'm running from something or running to something. you know what i mean?
I feel like everyone who has returned is yearning to have that sense of adventure again. I've also been wrestling with the idea of running away or running to something. I joked that it was my Gypsy Soul that needed appeasing but in reality I think it was the clarity I got from the travel. The time I got to spend alone in the car and could just have the time to let my heart heal. It's hard to be thrown back into the culture of the United States and the expectations of Jewell, and not have any time to process what you have been through. Overwhelming even to try and live up to the old expectations of what people perceived you to be before you left.
ReplyDeleteKnow that I understand and empathize what you are going through and that there are a lot of us here who are as lost as you. You have a listening ear, or even a travel buddy here when you need her!
Thank you for sharing. And know you are not alone...that feeling can last a long time, I'm still dealing with what I experienced last (08) summer.
ReplyDeleteI love your heart.
And you.