Coming out of Haiti the second time was relieving. It is hard for me to admit that. I think I expected myself to love it completely. I think I lost sight of truth. I had this totally off perception that I needed to come home without doubt about the direction my life is headed.
I am doubting.
Not doubting in the sense of turning away completely, but doubting as to what God has for me. I thought it was Africa, then I thought Haiti, and now I think the whole prospect of a life plan is too much for anyone. I don't think we are supposed to follow a life plan because it boxes in what God is doing.
So for now, I live in Kansas City. I might see a baby delivered tomorrow. Someday I may go onto more school. It won't be next year. I may move away from Kansas City, and I may not. I will go when I know I should. I will stay when I know I am supposed to.
And for now, I have a lot of wonderful friends to live life with. I have a group of 7th and 8th graders I can invest in. And I serve a God who is asking for me to relax.
I am a serious person. I never really thought I was until a lot of people have pointed that out to me. In a lot of ways, it is good. In some ways, it isn't.
Out the window with plans beyond the place I am now.
I feel better today.
"I don't think we are supposed to follow a life plan because it boxes in what God is doing."
ReplyDeleteI think that's an extremely valid point. Servants of Christ tend to cram their lives full of stuff, and generally feel if they're not goal-oriented they're not God-oriented, and I believe that idea is false most of the time.
I sympathize with how you feel about not coming back with the "vision" you thought you needed to have. That can be tough.
God has rarely given me access to The Big Picture, by the way. I think He's pretty sure I'd mess it up by trying to paint it myself. He usually just tells me what color to use or what brush size.
as much as I agree with you about throwing plans out the window so God has room to work...I hope some of your nonexistent plans include Seattle.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
Serious, huh? Gosh, I wonder where you got that?
ReplyDeleteActually, I think it's amazing that you're as light-hearted and free and relaxed as you are. I wish I could be that way, more like you!
But in your making peace with not knowing and not needing to know the future, remember: callings form up in us from God. They really do. You may not know where it's taking you, but you very well may know what you must do. Jonah knew where he was actually supposed to go. Jim Eliot knew it was Latin America. I knew it was West and in the PCUSA, way back in the late 1970's. But even when we don't know where and when, we often come to the conviction that God is saying "Do this with your life." You may be hearing that, you may not yet. But I suspect that something about the whole Africa and Haiti business, something that lies underneath it all, was from God.
That's what I think. Because I've seen it in your eyes.
Love, Dad