Miss Independent

A lot of times we get ourselves into the pattern of believing things that don't quite exist. The aspects of fairy tales and stories hold something that resonate deep within us: that romantic encounter we search for, the adventure that leaves us on top of a mountain having conquered the world, the thrill of surviving a danger, having pressed the boundary to see how far we can go.

Ok, those things do exist. But not in the way we expect.

I could say a lot about how the world's idea of romance taints relationships, but I don't want to right now.

I want to talk about adventure.

I have some really neat friends. They do really cool things, like go to Amsterdam to study and explore the things she is passionate about; I have a friend who is living life in Port Townsend, living on her own and making a life for herself. I have friends who have gone to the most incredible of places - and I associate it with adventure.

Adventure resonates with me. I think of the freedom it instills. It liberates. In essence it releases the ties that bind and allows us to experience things as they are.

I moved to Washington by myself. I made friends. I figured out my new life and went tubing and played frisbee and learned how to be really bad at things and make it laughable. I was so happy in my adventure I never wanted to leave. I left, the adventure ended, and normal life restarted in Liberty.

Then I decided to REALLY challenge myself, and I went to Haiti. By myself. Twice. It has a nice ring to it. It impresses people. For some time I have relished the responses from people. I mean, isn't it cool how independent and adventurous I am?

I hate that I just wrote that for the world to read. Yet that is who I am. That is what I thought.

Tonight I realized that I have seen independence as a sign of strength. I have that sort of "I don't need a man by my side. I don't need anybody or anything. I can take care of myself." mentality.

Do you know why I loved Washington?

Molly, KaraLynn, Rebecca, Tyler, John, Kylan, Erik, Faye, Heather, Grandma, Jake & Michelle - on and on.

Do you know why I loved Haiti?

Diana, Mallory, Britt, and every person I met there.

The second time I went to Haiti I decided to climb the "mountain" behind the mission. We walked a short distance, and I regretted my decision. It was awful. It was so hard. And I made myself go to the top in order to prove I was strong, to stand at the top and see the view, and to feel alive.

It failed. It failed because I was so lonely. The view was breathtaking, and I was simply too empty to appreciate it.

I have had a lot of realizations this week. This last week has held more surprise, more stomach flips, more confused heads, more tired eyes. And I continue to see that I close myself off very easily. It was a process started approximately 1 year ago, and I haven't felt the need to throw this train in reverse.

So what does that have to do with adventure? I have fallen into the trap of seeking that Into the Wild type feeling - stripping down to the root of it all. And in the process I have isolated myself. I am trying to learn when to let people in again.

I haven't given up yet.