Day 3.1

It is difficult to begin to put into words how I am feeling at the moment. I feel so richly blessed to be here in this moment. I feel that the Lord has ordained these days, for this purpose.

At Mission of Hope I am surrounded by individuals who work to their core to bring the Hope of Jesus to a nation. They do so in such real, tangible ways, investing in the communities and in the lives of the people within those communities. The staff here are incredibly talented in their own roles. What an excellent group to work with, to learn from, and to serve alongside.

Yet it creates such an interesting dilemma: how to place oneself. How to decipher exactly what it is that God has brought you here to do. And no, it isn’t all about doing. Our lives are never meant to be deeds-driven. It’s not enough to simply do good.

Where does your heart stand? What exactly are YOU here for? Why did you get on that plane? Why did you leave a perfectly beautiful life? And how much of that gets in the way of what God really brought you here for?

So – why did I come? I couldn’t quite say. I am nearly positive that it isn’t 100% selfless. Some of me selfishly needed to be here. Some of me feels the pull to DO, to mask my pride and brokenness with actions. Because to everyone outside it paints a pretty picture.

Tonight is the night I begin to examine that. To do the hard work of exposing the rot. To sit in a dark room and apologize for the ways in which I have sought to put myself on a pedestal.

With each step we take, God has established a purpose. Perhaps a portion of that purpose is to begin to understand why we are going where we are going. Or perhaps it is simply to sit back and realize that every form of control we seek will only lead to ruin. May we have eyes to see.

good morning world

Current location: Miami International Airport

Current time: 5:50 AM (now 6:50 AM)

Current situation: Sitting in the basement(?!), drinking my final coffee, eating my final scone

My flights have been relatively uneventful, minus the 30 minute delay once they closed the door in LAX. Sleeping on very crowded planes while Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel plays in the background is very difficult. About an hour or so into the flight they finally turned the lights off, and I would sleep for 10 minutes here and there, with two stretches of 30-40 minutes. Needless to say, my neck hurts, my face looks like death, and I opted for the large size of coffee in said airport basement.

There is an 8 AM flight to Port-au-Prince that I could have been on, but for some reason unknown to me at this time, I opted for the later flight. What was I thinking??? Ah well, it’s only an extra…hour and 40 minutes.

BUT that gives me time to blog!

It is hard to believe that I will be there in a few short hours, si Bondye vle. I walked past the gate for the 8:00 flight and heard my first few words of Creole that were not rolling around in my head only. I need to start kicking my brain in gear and see if I can navigate my way back to the minimal conversationalist I was in August.

I wish I could call people but it is an unspeakable hour in Kansas City, Colorado, and Washington, as well as other places, so I will just sit in the basement.

I do love the flight to Haiti. The water is so blue, and it is an entirely different world once you step on the plane. THEY GIVE YOU FREE TOBLERONE. And cheese and crackers and raisins and something else. I will probably ask for a cup of coffee too.

My first success of this trip was the weight of my bags. My HUGE bag weighed in at 49.5 pounds. BOOYAH.

I am wondering who will pick me up at the airport. I hope I know them.

I am ALSO wondering how on earth I will make it to the mission if they forget I am coming. I think I would pay someone who works at the airport to let me use their cell phone to call…gosh I don’t even know. I don’t have anyone’s numbers there! Diana, if you are reading this, DON’T LET THEM FORGET TO PICK ME UP!

Unfortunately for me, they no longer have mailboxes in airports because of 9/11. Now, I get that completely, but PEOPLE, I have so much mail I am carting around in my backpack that I now have to take to Haiti to pawn off on groups and staff leaving the country to put in a mailbox for me.

Perhaps one of you blog readers can answer me this: will the Gulf oil spill come to Haiti? Because really, don’t you think earthquakes and the promise of an intense hurricane season is enough? I think so.

Ok: here is the plan of action. I will go and change into my “going-to-Haiti” outfit, put on a pound of makeup, and re-straighten my hair.

Just kidding, but seriously, I have an outfit.

So. I will change into my outfit and brush my teeth (AH!) and then go to my gate, pay for wireless internet, charge all my electronics, keep writing mail, listen to my trashy pop music, and keep sipping on this coffee.

See you on the other side!

time to sing a new song

My blog silence can be attributed to much. I intend to blog more in depth about a lot of the past and future events, but in the meantime...

My computer finally bit the dust (a little bit), hence no computer equals no spur-of-the-moment, emotional posts. But hopefully it will be back in hand Monday, and you will once again be subject to my tidbits.

Also, it would be nice to have in hand before moving on Tuesday.

Speaking of which, my phone will be gone on Monday afternoon/Tuesday morning. Just in case you were DYING to talk to me on the phone.

I have found in these last few days I have been content to sit in quiet, to withdraw more and more into my room and into myself. I'm not sure if that's the beginning of the grieving process or an ineffective manifestation of coping.

Don't get me wrong, the thought of waking up at dawn over the mountains in Haiti, to view the bluest water, to drink a cup of strong coffee and walk a bit down the hill to take in the day's first breath, to giving hugs to dear friends and hold hands of the dearest children, to Fruit Champagne and fried plantains, to clinic life and handing packs of gum to Dr. Jenifer, to fighting my way through Creole tucked FAR away in my brain, it all brings a sort of life into my heart.

Yet the final days and moments here will continue to feel a sense of darkness and heaviness. Goodbye to close drives to family, Colorado mountains and weather, and the sort of freedom I have here.

More to come soon!