My life is being removed from Jewell. Whereas school has been the focal point of life, moving into The Castle has liberated me from the bubble of William Jewell. And I really like it.
This morning I woke up without an alarm, made organic, fair-trade coffee from Nicaragua, and ate my granola (WITHOUT RAISINS!) and yogurt. And I just really enjoy sitting on my bed, eating breakfast, reading in the quiet of the house.
Coming back from Haiti, the "culture shock" was delayed. I spent two days in KC packed with unpacking and people. It wasn't until I was on the cruise, spending more and more time alone, that I began to feel a sense of loss, a sense of unsettledness. It felt sort of like everything that had been constant and steady seemed to fall away. I instead was overwhelmed by the sense that I had no control whatsoever.
My time in Washington, while marked with friends that I love to death and life-giving conversations, left me searching to find control. And once I finally became aware that I was on a desperate search, I saw that the biggest change that happened since I came back home was that I have never felt quite like an adult before. But know I am struck with a sense of being more grown up than ever.
How strange, to see your old life with little change observable to the eye in a new way.
In 10 months I have no plans. I have no idea whether I will find that nursing really is my career or that I am called into something different. I have no idea once my lease ends June 1, 2010 if I will be staying in KC or heading elsewhere.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end . . . I know everything God does will endure forever." (Ecclesiastes 3:11,14)
If only you had had raisins, all the questions would evaporate. . .By the way, you are becoming such a grand adult. I like the changes and the honest reflection on life and what it means, and I like the freedom you are experiencing. Heck, I just like you. Love you.
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