you will be set free

Sometimes my hardened heart is so evident in my face, and sometimes I don't see it at all. But tonight I was struck with how empty and cold my heart has been. I haven't been seeking the Lord in the ways I should - and it is manifesting in the way I treat the situations surrounding me.

So I am going to Haiti this summer. And it has been a frustrating and difficult process. I wrote e-mails inquiring about different places that I could serve. I waited for weeks. When I finally heard back, nearly a month later, I rushed through applications for grants and internships so that I might go. While filling out an application, a man approached me and asked what I was working on. I told him I was applying for an internship in Haiti. He immediately told me that I did not want to go Haiti. He said it was dirty. He said it was dark. He said I should forget about Haiti and head to...Korea.

Seriously.

A few weeks later I was in a Sunday School and was asked about my summer plans. I said I was waiting to hear back from an organization in Haiti. The man's response was something like this:

"You don't want to go to Haiti. It's so hopeless there. It's dark. I can't think about that place without crying. People don't care about their lives anymore because they have nothing."

I talk to people about going to Haiti, and the general response is that I should be very careful. Don't be stupid. It's dangerous. There's a lot of poverty and AIDS.

So, combine discouragement with an empty heart, and you wind up with a whole lot of apathy. I have stopped caring about seeking Truth. I have closed myself off from emotions. I have not persisted in understanding and listening to the Lord's words.

So when I talked with my mom a few days ago, I explained that I feel hopeless. Too many people have expressed words of discouragement, and I started to listen. I didn't know what I should do. In the back of my mind I am thinking "The trip is paid for, so I am supposed to go. Maybe I should start praying."

Pretty scary to see how backwards my heart is.

The ray of hope, the thin sliver of light in the midst of this is having a mother who stands beside me and says "don't give up." It's in having Karen write me a message today, allowing me the opportunity to tell her I am scared to go alone and that I am in doubt. Her words back were these:

Many people only know of the violence, poverty and bad sides of Haiti. There is great hope when you can see up close what God has done and is continuing to do through Hope Mission. The people there are so loving and kind, and they love the Lord wholeheartedly. When people here focus on the poverty there, I want to scream sometimes. Yes, the poverty is mind-boggling, but when you meet the people up-close and worship with them on Sunday mornings, they are soooo much richer than we are because they only have Christ and they realize that He is all that they need. You will be blessed beyond belief. I am so excited for you, and a little bit jealous as well.

She went to the same organization that I am headed to in just a few weeks.

The hope in the midst of recognizing a deadened heart within me is being reminded that the Lord doesn't need my heart to be alive and "right" in order to speak encouragement and love and hope and truth. The hope is that "he calls his sheep by name and leads them out."