Oct 22, 2008

the runaway falls at Your feet

The beginning of nursing school 10 months ago marked the beginning of a deep, dark spiritual oppression in my life. For much of the spring semester I withdrew from my life, allowing myself to sink into a place that I found very hard to exist in but impossible to pull myself out. I got a job in a church (ironic) and moved myself out of the state, halfway across the country. I lived by myself in a garage apartment with a family I had never met and had spoken about 10 words to them before moving into their house.

I worked with 7 people I had never met. I offered cupcakes in exchange for friendship. I hated my first month there. I was still pitying myself in the darkness into which I had slipped. I was sent to camp with 10 high school girls I barely knew or didn't even know at all.

And the Lord wrapped His arms around me like I had never experienced. To make a long story shorter so I can get this off my chest and get back to my midterm prep, the Lord used loneliness to break me open. Then, he surrounded me with incredible friends, prayer partners, two grandmothers, a church staff, a generous, compassionate host family, and genuine relationships with my girls. It was the beginning of relief from the dark I had been overwhelmed with.

I've been doing better this semester. The lessons learned this summer opened my eyes to my pitfalls. I have been fighting the oppression everyday, but I have been surrendering myself to the Lord a little more. It isn't necessarily easier, but I feel more prepared.

I've slipped a little more in the last two weeks. Blame it on the drama. Blame it on midterms and tests. Blame it on the 75% test average. Or blame it on my desire for comfort. Or my brokeness. Whatever you choose to see as the root of the problem, I'm slipping. But the Lord prodded a wonderful friend to slip a card under my door:

"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:11

I know you "know" this verse - but be reminded of it today. God wants to renew your JOY...cling onto the truth and promises He has given you."

Thanks for the words Liz.

Here's to the promises He has given me in (some of) the people He has surrounded me with...

The runaway falls at Your feet,
You are what he has searched for.
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor;
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore.
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die,
Still, You sent Your son for us,
You are on our side.


  1. I'm praying for you.

    I'm terrible at finding time to call you, as you well know: being busy tends to suck.

    Yay Romans 12! I love to go back and read it and just imagine we're all together with Faye doing bible study.

    I miss breaking your finger over spoons.

  2. Oh Sawah.
    I made cupcakes the other day and pretended they were from you...but it wasn't the same and that would be weird.

    Eric's comment made me visualize a MUCH more violent version of spoons in which your finger does not come out so well.

    Praying for you and your zealousness.

  3. had to look up that song because the words are so powerful. holy cow.
    the one other bethany dillon song I know also seems fitting here:

    And only you can see the good in broken things
    You took my heart of stone, and you made it whole
    Set this prisoner free

    trust that God has a plan, a way to use your brokenness to his glory and your completion.

    I love you and miss you, my dear friend. I'll be praying that you can be zealous even as you break yourself for God.

  4. i made deeoog cupcakes today. pupcakes. i think the dogs are my friends now.

    this was a good post for me to read too. i have slipped a whole lot of places this year, and it IS really hard to pull yourself out. but i think you do a good job - better than me probably.

  5. Number one, i love you sarah!
    Number two, that song was in my blog a few weeks ago.
    Number three, i am praying for you.

  6. Loneliness. . . it's so hard to hear your children say the word. The last thing in the world you want for your daughter is loneliness. I am glad that you are learning how to manage it, though, for knowing the darkness in this world, you probably will need what you're learning for a lifetime. God is good all the time

  7. gosh, your heart is so beautiful. i know it is. i love reading stories about your life and am happy to hear that you are growing so intensely, even though it's a tough road to walk.

    i miss you, friend. let's get together sometime. please?

    i love you.