Weekend Off

I don't write much I am finding. I never feel like I have something worth writing about. But this weekend I had a moment worth recording.

I took my monthly weekend off RA duty and went home for a few days. I made the most of the time I had, trying to see as many people as I could (though most didn't ever return my phone calls). I had some precious time with Katie - one of the best relationships to come out of my 10 weeks on Summer Staff. Sunday night I went to The Gathering at Heartland with my mom. I saw lots of familiar faces and settled in to hear Isaac talk one more time.

During worship, there tends to be some long interludes between songs. I find myself often getting bored, unable to think of something to "do" in that time of worship. I caught myself thinking "when is this going to be over?", then cringed at my waste of time intended solely for Him. Worship is for Him, so why am I not spending it with Him? So I asked "What is it you want from me in this time, Lord?"

"I just want to be first."

An immediate clear, concise, and cutting response.

"I just want to be first."

I just want to know you love me. I want to come before school, friends, e-mail, sin, loneliness, anxiety, to do lists, books (even Christian ones), work, everything. I just want to be first.

We sit down, me still wrestling with the words I just heard, trying to reason the ways He HAS been first...but it never amounts to much.

Isaac spoke on fear. He is headed off into the unknown. He talked about how we must step into the fear, into the unknown, fully assured by the Father who takes us by the arms, heals us, leads us with kindness and love, takes our burdens, feeds us. (Hosea 11:3-4)

I just want to be first.

As I sit back and struggle with the "what now?" of the whole thing, I realize that this, all of this, my whole life is never ever once about me. It seems like it must end up being about my failures, my inadequacies, my shortcomings, when it's about grace. Grace that comes through a love that is never really understood. I can sit and think about how I failed Him, or I can walk with the knowledge that only grace is keeping me. Grace holds me, provokes me, and saves.

It's something we always hear. Put God first. You focus on Him and the rest of the picture comes in to focus. Who is capable of this? Who can honestly put Him first, focus on Him first? It leaves me wondering why worry about ridding yourself of sin when I'm a sinful creature and I always will be. I will never be enough. I will never be adequate. So why do I try? I'm just going to fail.

Because it's never about me. It's about Him. It's about laying those things at His feet. Laying down the dots and the stars you've been given. It's about dying to self. It's about living Christ. It's about making Him first.