Oh, God is so good. I have been blessed today - but it stems from a week filled with unsatisfaction, thoughts of transferring, hard conversations, wonderful conversations, loneliness, and amazement. So let's jump right in...too many thoughts to have coherent paragraphs.

"It is possible to know all about doctrine and yet not know Jesus. The soul is in danger when knowledge of doctrine outsteps intimate touch with Jesus. Why was Mary weeping? Doctrine was no more to Mary than the grass under her feet. Any Pharisee could have made a fool of Mary doctrinally, but one thing they could not ridicule out of her was the fact that Jesus had cast seven demons out of her; yet His blessings were nothing in comparison to Himself."

Oswald Chamber, August 16th of My Utmost for His Highest. I found it for $1 at Half Price Books in Westport. Over the summer I interacted with many people who knew a lot more about theology than I did. I didn't know what the Five Points of Calvinism were, nor, to be honest, what Calvinism even was. I remember the name Zwingli from AP European History my sophomore year of high school (may it never be relived). I came into conversations like that with my head hung low, feeling like a terrible Christian. I am not a deep thinker. I don't ponder predestination or the issue of women in ministry. So I started to question myself. I asked more questions of my parents. I researched theology books - is there any theology 101 book I could get to read? Just to have a basic knowledge? I like to be well-informed, I'm used to having the answers. Mary was one of Jesus's closest followers; she had experienced His healing, His wholeness, first-hand. She, more than most, knew Him better. She desired intimacy with God - she went so far as to rise before the sun after the Sabbath to finish the burial that was left undone - wanting to treat the dead body, beginning to decay and endure the stench, because she loved Him. Doctrine didn't matter - all that mattered was Him.

"I just want to be first."

A new phrase was given to me this week. A simple yet complex statement - "Desire God".

Die to Self, I just want to be first, Desire God.

I think He's trying to teach me something. And I want to learn it. I do. But I don't know how.

"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame. I RUN in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart FREE. Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for THERE I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." (Psalm 119: 30-37)

I read Psalm 119 last night, but I read through it so quickly because it was a perfect description of where I am. I want all that it talks about, but I don't understand how to get there. So I continue to pray that He shows me, give me understanding, directs me in the path of His commands, turns my heart...I have become recently very consumed with the desire for something that I should not have a desire for. As I read over some notes I had from several weeks ago, I came across this quote:

In Passion and Purity, Elisabeth Elliot writes "My heart was saying, "Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long." The Lord was answering, "I must teach you to long for something better.""

So here I stand, a week of mulling and sadness and discontent and weariness and joy and peace and desire and delight. I am left here, no more doctrinally wise than before but praying that my desire becomes Him and only Him. That the things that tempt and call my name will fade away, fade behind Him, leaving Him the only view in my path. That I will be the sinful woman, coming with all I have and washing His feet with tears and perfume, to kiss His feet and to know Him.