into the deep

I've been trying to convince myself that the things that feel overwhelming to me are insignificant when placed in the broader context of those around us.

Recently I've been noticing this distance growing between people who live in different worlds.  Single people don't get what it's like to be married, married people without children don't get what it's like to be a parent, and each role keeps getting more difficult.  I'm sure it's true.  Parents don't understand what it's like for their single friends, and vice versa.  But why does it have to be divisive? Everyone experiences what they experience, and can it not be both/and?  I am married, without children, full-time nurse, part-time student, part-time instructor, and life is hard.  You are where you are, and it's hard.  Let's not try to quantify and qualify the struggle as if one is greater than another.

But I buy into it as much as anyone else does.  Lately I feel as if there's a weight wrapped around my chest.  I can't catch a breath, I wake up hurting and I lay down ashamed.  And if you asked me why, I would tell you some circumstances that would likely sound insignificant, so we know there's something deeper happening.  It's so "It's not about the nail...".

I've been reading Jonah this morning, and I finally found some language for what I physically feel.

For you cast me into the deep,

into the heart of the seas,

and the flood surrounded me;

all your waves and your billows

passed over me....

The waters closed in over me

to take my life

the deep surrounded me,

weeds were wrapped about my head.

Moving on down the line, Jonah prays

Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love.

Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them.

I need the success and the approval and the worship of my own character in order to thrive.  And it is destroying me.  So this morning, I'm asking for something different.

oh my God
hear my cry
from the depths
i call out to you
you give your mercy and light 
in the dark and the wilderness

my soul finds rest 
in God alone
my salvation comes from him
my soul finds rest
God is my home
i will not be shaken
i will not be shaken

you are my shield 
and my strength
trim my feet
for this battle
our god is 
mighty to save
i will wait 
i will wait for him

my soul finds rest 
in God alone
my salvation comes from him
my soul finds rest
God is my home
i will not be shaken
i will not be shaken

oh my strength, i sing praise to you
oh my strength, i sing praise to you
oh my strength, i sing praise to you
oh my strength, i sing praise to you
joy or pain, i sing praise to you
night or day, i sing praise to you

my soul finds rest 
in God alone
my salvation comes from him
my soul finds rest
God is my home
i will not be shaken
i will not be shaken
-sandra mccracken