shelter

in the arms of the good Father

you can go to the deep water

where the questions we have left unspoken

come out in the open

we will find shelter here

so i lay down what i cannot hold in my hands

every sorrow and hope spinning out of control

and here i find sweet resolution comes in letting go

and we will find shelter here

when i look back i can see

and when i am old i'll remember these things

like a mountain of stone

and the longing that makes me believe

there is a tree by the blue river

where the shade stretches wide over

in this breaking we are hand and glove

we will find shelter here

- sandra mccracken

start again

I tend to spend too much money on music. Thank goodness for Noisetrade and Daytrotter, or I would surely be broke. How behind am I on The Head and The Heart? Just found their CD for $7 on iTunes. Totally worth it. If you haven't listened, go! If you have, humor me!

For those of you who know me a little better, I booked my first counseling session today. It's been a long time coming - I'm ready.

I have a job interview next week - it's encouraging to feel like I may actually have a shot at being employed. Seeing as how I took over my student loans for good, I need to be making money soon.

I met the newest addition to the Parsons/McElroy clan yesterday - Zion. I can't get over him. He has the most perfect mouth. In Charlie Brown O shape 80% of the time. Eeeeeee!

Today is the first day in my new old home. It's good to be back.

uncharted

When I moved to Kansas City in 2003, I was just turning 15. It took me 5 years to soften to the city. I remember walking down on the Plaza as a 15 year old and being told it was far too dangerous to be there after dark. [Insert comical chuckle here]

In the 7 years of Kansas City living, I moved back and forth from Colorado, Washington, and Haiti. Two graduations later, I was packing all things to go to Colorado for a final stop. I packed two bags and got on a plane to Haiti.

Now I'm back. I can't for the life of me figure out what just happened in 2010-2011. I've found myself shutting down, pulling back, and just wanting to give the majority of the world a figurative (or literal?) F you. Pretty, eh?

When I went to Kansas City last week I met up with friends from years ago. I found myself surrounded with hugs and love and smiles and laughs. At the end of every day I sat on a couch in a silent house with two sleeping brothers upstairs. In that silence I tried to numb myself with television and internet browsing to keep out the fear and the images that just won't go away.

I've had to decide what to do next. In some ways, it was paralyzing. But driving the streets of Kansas City helped. Hearing a familiar voice from a pulpit that had carried me through a year of confusion and exhaustion helped. Snuggles and giggles from aforementioned brothers helped.

As I drove through Colorado the next few days, I found my answer. Go. Get over the need to be independent and brave. Go back and be broken and silent and transparent. Go, heal, process, heal, break, heal.

Two days are all that separate me. 8 years after my first move, I'm doing it again. This time without the neurotic cat and puffy eyes. This time around, crossing that state line will be more sweet than bitter.

Stuff

Today I started going through all of my belongings and doing the annual life transition sort and discard. I found my chemistry test from college I will never throw away because I got 104%. I found my test scores from Adult Health which I did throw away because, really, who wants to remember that? I found my New Member Bunny clock from my first sorority formal. Sorry ZTA - it's on its way to Goodwill.

I'm always in trouble when I come across the toys. My parents wouldn't let me watch Toy Story II when they give away the toys and they feel abandoned because they knew I would take that as reality. I remember the Jungle Animals on Christmas morning. I remember waiting in line at Toys For The Fun Of It for Beanie Babies (cats only, of course). And the countless hours Becca and I spent with Littlest Pet Shop animals, each with specific names. My mom marveled at how we could know every name for every animal and not know more than 5 president names. I still don't see the problem.

I am amazed by how I can live out of two suitcases for a year and come back to so much stuff. I hope I can get rid of a lot of this, but my sentimentality seems to be getting in the way.

Something to work on. Acknowledgement is the first step in changing, right. Right?

More is More

Every time I fly out of Haiti, I look forward to two things in flight: free mini Toblerone and in-flight entertainment. Call me extravagant - I love free episodes of Park and Rec and The Office and 30 Rock and Community. Thursday was no different - I gobbled up my delicious Swiss chocolate and almonds and settled in.

What a rude awakening to have the entertainment peppered with this man and his commercials. As I flew out over people living on one meal a day if lucky, under tarps that are battered by rain and wind and sun and dust, eating chocolate and going back to the place I will always be able to return.

I've now seen the commercial on three flights and heard it between news programs. Welcome back to America, Sarah. Enjoy your stay. And have another chocolate.

Cheri

This morning I woke up to mountains outside my window. I woke up under quilts and down comforters, wrapped in warm clothes. I drank a cup of coffee and tried to wrap my mind around leaving mosquitos and warmth and waves and wake up calls of goats and roosters just a day ago. In the coming weeks I expect I will be decompressing and reflecting here. I am ready to withdraw for a while, but I need somewhere to write and wrestle with a lot of this.

I will be the first one to tell you that I have the best friends in the entire world. Growing up I shared best friends with my older sister Becca. The four of us would spend our days playing in dental offices, having hands and knees races, watching the same 3 movies, walking to Texaco for Nerds and Kwenchers, and eventually seeing each other maybe once or twice a year.

When I went to college I found myself surrounded, only by the goodness of God, by friends that lived life so transparently, so vulnerably, with me. They are the kind of friends that drop anything to see you. They are the kind of friends who share their beds and their food and their cars. They are generous and full of love and life.

When I went to Haiti, I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea the friends I would make in a year. I had no idea what God had in store for me.

But I knew that I would have a best friend in Diana. She is, and always will be, my cheri. She is a friend unlike any I have or will ever have. We bonded over failed cookies, broken Creole, Step Up, sharing music, and dancing. And when I moved to Haiti full time a year ago, I sat down with her two hours after landing and wept. After 9 months apart, it only took 2 hours to be ready to break over my circumstances in front of her.

We rarely spent time apart in the last year. It felt weird to go 12 hours without seeing her. And now I am going on 30 hours away from Diana. I'm not sure how to adjust.

Diana is impressive. In our year living together, I have seen how much people around her are drawn to her, especially in times of weariness or pain. Diana's home is for many people an escape. She is welcoming with her couches, good music, and cold water (or ji, if you're lucky). She is a continuous stream of positive energy. Her personality matches the bright colors she loves and uses in her house. She is sentimental, keeping small trinkets to remind her of particular moments. She knows how to live life, how to pull every single moment out and savor it. She will tell you she can't cook - she lies. Diana is like the sun, warm and inviting. She's a wise sage and a young spirit. She's someone you have to meet to really "get".

I am incredibly blessed by all of my friends. The Lord has so faithfully and intentionally put good people on my path. God knew what He was doing when He ordered my steps in Haiti and prepared a place for me there. He knew how desperately I would need a safe community, and He provided me with Diana. I know that if we were in the US or Canada, we would still be friends. But Haiti is now so tangled within our friendship, I can't untie the two. Leaving Haiti is as hard as leaving Diana, but that's because they go hand in hand.

I have left Haiti full time, and with that I have transitioned back to limited face time with Diana. And while that tempts me to tears and grief, I am going to try and instead thank the Lord for giving us our time together.

Cheri - I miss you a million already. Way more than the king bed. And only you know that's saying something.

tears and mercy

i know, o Lord, that Your rules are righteous,

and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

let your steadfast love comfort me

according to your promise to your servant.

let your mercy come to me, that i may live;

for your law is my delight.

- psalm 119:77

by thy birth, thy cross, and passion;

by thy tears of deep compassion,

by thy mighty intercession,

Lord and Savior, help us.

- Henry Alford

And the only way you can rejoice in sufferings

is if you find your hope in the sufferings of Jesus

over anything anybody can take away from you here.

- Kevin Cawley